


I Can Only Try

by NyxEternal



Category: Persona 3
Genre: Character Death, Depression, F/M, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Post-Persona 4 Arena, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-11 00:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7869055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyxEternal/pseuds/NyxEternal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kotone died. She knows she died. But what she did not expect was her journey through Purgatory to be so brutal, or where she would end up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The battle was done. Over. She remembered laying in Akihiko's arms, not quite awake but not asleep. She remembered hearing him calling for her.

Then there was nothing.

It was a vast emptiness that surrounded her. No friends, no blue sky. There was simply nothing where there should have been something. It was nothing short of horrifying.

Kotone wandered the nothing, seeming to be perpetually stuck on the brink of exhaustion. Her body ached as she wandered, her mind filling with dark thoughts. Where were her friends? Was she dead? Was this hell?

Or maybe she had failed against Nyx. Maybe this was the world Nyx had created just to torture her. If she listened, she was sure she could hear something. The cries of the people she failed, her own panicked breathing. Something.

It was a relief when she saw something move for the first time; even if it was a Shadow. She had no means of summoning her Persona, but she still had her hands wrapped around the naginata she carried in Tartarus. It lunged and she swung, fighting it until she was victorious.

That one Shadow was the first of many. Her time became occupied by them until she thought herself free. Then she finally saw a person in the nothingness and shadows.

Dressed in her pink sweater and clutching her evoked for dear life, stood Yukari. Yukari. Her friend, her very first friend at Gekkoukan. Kotone nearly wept in joy as she ran to her, calling her name.

Her arms flew around the other girl's neck and she was flooded by memories of fighting by her side, of how many times Yukari really saved their asses. Their ever devout healer. Then came the real memories.

Staying up late and talking about the boys, gossiping about Mitsuru's clothes and hair. Yukari had a crush on Junpei for a while there and Kotone confided in her how she felt conflicted over Akihiko and Shinjiro. The secrets they shared in the random blanket fort they had made about their pasts, treasured dreams of the future.

All of it had been gone in this abyss and now she had it back. Her best friend was back and she was crying in her arms and she was so damn tired.

"What do you think you're doing?" Yukari asked and Kotone felt pain shoot through her chest. Was this not real?

"Yukari..?" She whimpered softly as she released her. Yukari's eyes turned gold and her whole outlook darkened, shifted into something sinister and foreboding.

"You lost. You failed us." Her voice changed, twisted into something hollow and awful. "You let us all die!"

Before she could react, she felt a familiar, violent wind tear along her body. It shredded her clothing and threw her backwards as Not Yukari drew back her bow. Kotone nearly screamed in pure frustration and pain before she lunged at her.

The nothing taunted her with hope and now it made her fight her best friend. Her best friend. Yukari had been the first person in SEES she really met. The two of them and Junpei had fought so hard together.

Her vision blurred from the tears as she swung and lunged, trying to ignore the cries that sounded like her friend any time the blade hit.

She had no concept of time her, but the fight lasted a good bit of it she was sure. By the end of it, she was collapsed beside Yukari's body and weeping. She sobbed her apology over and over again until it hurt to say another word and her eyes drifted closed.

"Get up." A voice called. "Sheesh, and you always call me lazy. Get up!"

 _Junpei_.

Was it really him?

He was the one approaching her this time, so maybe it was different. Maybe this Junpei was real and trying to save her from this. Whatever this was, after all.

Kotone opened her eyes, relieved to see his stupid grin as he held his hand out to her. She took it and clung to it like a lifeline. Hell, he was her lifeline now.

"Junpei..." It felt so nice to say his name and know she was safe. He was real. He was there.

She clung to him and sobbed, weeping his name against his chest. He rubbed her back like he did the night Shinjiro almost died, held her like the brother she always wanted. He was always that to her; a brother.

"Don't know what you're so torn up about." His voice distorted and her blood ran cold. "Couldn't be because you lost everything? Couldn't be because you damned us all could it?"

"Junpei..." She released him and shook her head, watching as he cast her a wicked grin. She truthfully was alone here.

And so she fought the second of her friends. And it carried on, each one appearing to torment her further as they chanted her failures. She left them to die, she was a coward, she was weak, she was nothing.

Mitsuru, Fuuka, Aigis and even Ken. To them, she was a failure. Even to herself, she was a miserable failure. This nothingness was the proof of her shortcomings.

When she at last saw light and shape, it was a strange, comically distorted classroom and she wanted nothing more than to collapse. She wanted to rest, just for a bit.

She dropped into one of the seats and rest her head on the desk. Her favorite class had been history. Her grades were always good. Funny how those were thoughts that even mattered to her here.

There was no telling how much time had passed when she finally opened her eyes, but it didn't matter. She still felt tired. But for the first time since arriving in her personal hell, sunlight poured in the window. She found herself scrambling into the hallway and looking for the stairs, almost desperate to get to the roof.

The place she died. She knew it had to have been true; she died in Akihiko's arms. Hell, maybe she didn't. Maybe those Shadows of her friends were right. It was all just a trick from Nyx.

She ran up the stairs, nearly tripping over herself more than once. At the top of the stairs, she threw the doors open and inhaled the heavenly scent of clear air and cherry blossoms. If she was dead, if this wasn't just a bad dream, she wanted to stay there. She would go no where else.

Kotone walked across the roof to the fence that kept students from falling off and felt a heaviness in her heart. Junpei talked her down from that very thought once. Shinjiro yelled at her for hours when he found out.

 _"Don't you dare do this to Aki!"_ Had been one of the things he shouted. Like nothing but Akihiko's mattered.

To Shinjiro, that was more or less true.

Her fingers clutched the metal as she gazed out at the courtyard. Gekkoukan had become home to her. There was no where she wanted to be more than the dorm.

Her eyes started to water as she remembered conversations she had with Junpei and Yukari about how weird it would be without Akihiko and Mitsuru the next year. No one stopped to really think about it all, she supposed, because no one mentioned if they even survived. How funny, when they knew the risks. They all had been so damn confident that they were invincible.

"It had to have worked." Kotone whispered. "My friends have to be alive, the world has to be whole again. Don't tell me I failed!"

A set of arms wrapped around her shoulders and she felt her own sorrow and pain crash into her like a tsunami. It was strong, powerful; it nearly washed everything else away. Especially when she saw that familiar gloved hand.

"You had us all scared," he whispered against her hair. She wanted to trust it, to believe he was real. Maybe he was.

She doubted it.

"It's not really you," She squeezed her eyes shut. "You're just a shadow."

"I'm hurt." He gave her a squeeze before grabbing her shoulders and turning her to face him. "How can I prove it to you?"

Her hands clenched into fists. How? How? She could think of a dozen things to ask. She could ask to see his hand that had been burned, ask him where she had that scar from the first time they went to Tartarus together. A slew of other things like what her favorite food was or what her mother's name had been. When their first kiss was, even, and where.

Then she smiled.

"Alright. Tell me, who is the most important person in your life?" She asked, her heart racing.

"You, of course." He laughed, running his hands along her arms. "Let me prove it to you…"

"Wrong answer." Kotone backed away and tools a deep breath. After fighting all of the others, she was confident she could handle this.

His visage altered, twisting into something dark and sinister, painful to witness. Her heart twinged and she swallowed hard.

"Are you saying you don't trust me?" He spat. "I'm hurt."

Not as hurt as she was.

She lunged at him with the naginata, not surprised when he just pushed it away. The rooftop shimmered and suddenly they were in the hallway where she first saw him coming from class. She ran into him and they had fallen; he had been injured in Tartarus and the fall hurt worse than it did for her.

She helped him to the nurse and that settled her place in school with the other girls. She didn't really care about them though; those girls didn't matter. To her or to him.

He fought with the same passion and vigor here as he did in Tartarus. Except this wasn't him. It was a Shadow. A Shadow wearing Akihiko's face.

She screamed as she lunged again, throwing her full weight into the blow. When he moved, she twisted the staff to slam into his side. She was not going to let this hell twist her memories.

The Shadow laughed when she struck him; a cold, cruel sort of cackle.

"You're gonna have to try harder than that." He hissed as he grabbed the blade itself and yanked her toward him. She released the naginata and dropped into a roll to get away from him, her heart thundering in her ears. They were getting better.

"Can't you all just leave me alone?" She screamed when she got into a crouch, waiting for his next move. Akihiko himself wasn't very good with more than his fists, but this was a Shadow. And there was no telling what it could do to her.

"And here I thought you cared!" He snarled as he swung the naginata at her. She dove down, then half rose enough to lunge at him and tackle him.

For all the good that did.

He trapped her against him with the naginata and forced her closer. Her body was on top of his and they had been like this before when they were messing around. Laughing had turned to blushing turned to kisses turned to a night well spent until Mitsuru came looking for her.

She would never forget the look on the older girl's face when she caught her with Akihiko.

For a moment, she saw Akihiko, her Akihiko, beneath her again. Red on his cheeks and his eyes lingering on her lips. Her heart raced and she lost herself to the moment.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked her that night. She remembered having to navigate the maze of training equipment in his room, tripping over a dumbbell on the way to his bed. She remembered teasing him about the question then pressing her lips to his in a firm, lasting kiss that the sheer memory of sent butterflies in her stomach still.

This version did not ask before he pulled her into a kiss. It was passionate but empty. His hands wandered her backside, trailing along the torn parts of the fabric of her blazer.

And he released her naginata.

It was awkward to grasp at it but she finally managed. She managed to sit up, straddling him. It was hard to see this version and not think it was him, but she knew better.

This was not Akihiko Sanada.

She jammed the blade of the weapon into his chest, shutting her eyes so as not to see his. It was hard enough to feel his hands go limp off her body. Hard enough to stand after that, but it was over. The Shadow of Akihiko was dead.

She was free.

And she ran.

She ran as far as she could from the body. A scream ripped from her throat as tears poured down her face. She ran until she couldn't anymore, stopped by a firm body. Stopped by another damn Shadow.

She didn't stop to listen to him before she swung. Almost effortlessly, the Shadow of Shinjiro sent her naginata flying from her hand. He had her pinned and she felt so weak in his clutches. His hand gripped her throat, squeezing as tight as he could and cutting off her air.

All she wanted was for this to end. For someone to end this or save her. She didn't care anymore.

"Tch. Some fearless leader you are. You can't even fight back when you need to." He sneered. "I could do anything I want to you right now and you wouldn't even stop me."

She had heard those words before but not from him. No. Never Shinji, anyone but Shinji.

"Per…so…na…" Each syllable struggled to get out and she felt ridiculous without her evoker. But to her welcome surprise, a bright light flooded the space between her and the Shadow and he was thrust back.

She dropped to her knees as Orpheus fought against Shinjiro. It was surreal but a wonderful moment. She finally wasn't alone anymore.

Orpheus extended a hand to her when the battle was done, then disappeared again. It was the first glimmer of hope she had. Her only hope, really.

With Orpheus by her side, she withstood the second wave of Shadows much better. They took on the images of her friends again in mixed order, tried harder to trick her. Sometimes it wasn't even people from SEES and once she even fought Ikutsuki.

Surely years must have gone by of nonstop fighting. She collapsed in a heap after a hard battle against faces she knew, curled into a tight ball of sobbing and exhaustion until she passed out. Maybe this was the end. Maybe she could finally be at peace.

When she woke, she saw the flash of a blue room and felt a hand caressing her hair.

Then she was looking up at a crowd of faces she didn't recognize.

Panic flooded her as she shot up, her whole body protesting. She scrambled for her naginata and was horrified when she could not find it. She tried to summon Orpheus, having become quite skilled in doing so without calling it.

Nothing happened and she screamed in frustration.

"Kotone?"

Mitsuru.

That was Mitsuru.

She stopped to look at the woman who spoke and noticed the familiar eyes and beautiful red curls. She had matured, physically, and was even more stunning.

"Welcome back," That was still Mitsuru's warm voice. Tears filled the young woman's eyes even as she smiled.

And yet Kotone felt nothing short of fear when this visage of her friend embraced her. As she looked through the room, she saw all of them. Older, more mature. Different.

Yukari, still sweet but more beautiful. Junpei grew up handsome and Fuuka was stunning. Ken was still young, but now he was so tall. Junpei and Yukari openly cried, with Junpei nearly sobbing in relief.

Ken tried to save face, but she could see the tears falling down his cheeks.

She scanned the room for Akihiko, surprised at the white haired young man standing in the doorway. He looked different from the lean muscled boy she knew in school. Scars marred his chest and he looked more like a thug than anything.

But when she caught his eyes, he looked so weak and fragile.

She wanted to believe it was really her friends. That it was over. She was free. But how many times had the Shadows tricked her before? She couldn't let her guard down. Not here, not until she was sure.

If ever that day came.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akihiko can hardly believe she's sitting in front of him. It's been two years. Two years. 
> 
> But there's something very wrong.

She was there. She was there and he couldn't believe his own eyes. It worked.

It actually worked and here she was and she had never looked so frightened in all the time he knew her. Kotone had always been so brave, so fearless. Their leader was unstoppable, always a source of hope and inspiration. Even when everything seemed lost, she was a fan of sunshine.

Mitsuru released her to let everyone else have a turn at holding her and trying to reassure her. Yukari gave her a tight squeeze and told her she was there if she needed to talk. Junpei sobbed and clung to her until Ken started to protest that he was keeping her all to himself. Fuuka simply held Kotone's hands and told her how much she and Aigis missed her.

Koromaru, by far, served the best comfort by promptly crawling into her lap and licking her face. She smiled through the tears for the first time and held the dog close, burying her face in his fur.

Ken hugged onto her and told her how much he missed her. How sorry he was he couldn't protect her. How happy he was she was back. The kid tried to keep himself from crying, but it didn't work.

Ken lingered before Mitsuru pulled him away. Akihiko knew that meant he was next but he was terrified. Terrified to move, to touch her. She was so small, so fragile here. His chest ached as he remembered holding her body on the rooftop and the moment she disappeared from his arms. He remembered the pain that followed and how the only thing that kept him from going off the deep end was Shinjiro taking care of him.

He was scared to hold her again, scared she would disappear again. But now they were all watching him, waiting. Each step took almost all the strength from his body. She hardly looked different.

Her hair was longer, tangled and matted from sweat. Scratches and scars decorated her once smooth face and her clothes were torn to dirty shreds, barely clinging to a violently malnourished body. She looked like she hadn't eaten or slept at all in the last two years.

"Hey." It was the first word that came out of his mouth. And coincidentally, if he thought about it, the first thing he said to her when they met. Of course, back then it had been followed by telling her to watch where she was going next time.

She stared at him with those tired, crimson eyes that had almost lost all their light.

She was a shell of her former self but she was there. She was alive. She saved the world and she was alive and he wanted to hold her and tell her how badly he missed her.

But she stared at him with frightened eyes and he stopped himself.

"What happened to you?" It was one of the hundreds of questions he wanted to ask, but the only one he felt appropriate at the moment.

"I..." She looked around at everyone again. "How long has it been?"

"You defeated Nyx two years ago." Mitsuru explained. "You sealed her away and you've been lost to us ever since."

"Elizabeth was the one who got you out." Yukari piped up. "Or back... Or, well, I guess we aren't really sure. All that matters is you're here."

And haven't aged a day in two years.

Akihiko tried to imagine what she would look like, what she'd be doing, a hundred times until now. He always imagined she would be a little shorter than him, still with a playful smile on her lips. Their leader, the one who carried their burdens. Maybe she would have become a teacher or worked with Mitsuru. He always thought she would be beautiful, but not like Mitsuru or Yukari. A little curvier, maybe softer from all the food she ate adding a few pounds. Or maybe when she noticed, she'd start to exercise more and eat healthier.

Granted, Tartarus and the volleyball team both proved to be good exercise.

"You all grew up without me." She joked, but her voice cracked and Akihiko wanted nothing more than to apologize. "Even Ken. You got taller! You're taller than I am."

Ken grinned sheepishly and Akihiko wanted to scream. He wanted to tell her not to do this. It was fine to hurt; he'd been hurting for the better part of two years. Hell, she just proved he never stopped hurting over her.

Kotone had become his best friend even before they started dating. Losing her was like losing Shinjiro all over again. Granted, Shinjiro was just in a coma and he woke up. Only to find Kotone gone and Akihiko struggling to cope with the further loss.

He rubbed his gloved hand, half expecting his world to go up in flames all over again. It would seem fitting.

"You guys should, um, probably get me to a hospital or something." Kotone laughed a little. "Two years fighting Shadows and I'm pretty sure I look pretty bad."

She looked half a skeleton.

She looked like one of the Lost.

She did not look like the girl he lost two years ago.

They all agreed it was for the best and Akihiko was the one to carry her to Mitsuru's limo. She was so small in his arms, wrapped in a blanket. His heart raced, panicked he might drop her.

It did not take long for her to go limp in his arms, her eyes fluttering closed. For a moment, he panicked, afraid he had lost her again. He watched, holding his breath as he waited to see the shallow rise and fall of her chest.

Yeah, he wasn't going to be getting a lot of sleep in the coming days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to have chapters.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I'd play around with the whole Protag Being Freed From The Seal thing we all kinda wanted to happen.


End file.
